Sometimes I am at a complete loss to understand why things happen as they do. There have been some very unusual yet very instructive occurrences of late and understanding of each has arrived after the fact. The week before Christmas, I caught a flu bug, took an herbal remedy to boost my immune system and it left within 3 days. I worked Christmas week and felt no effects at all and then the day before New Years, the chills and sweats descended with a vengeance. I couldn't get to my regular pharmacy to get more of the supplement and bought another that claimed to do the same thing. After taking my first dose and bedding down with a comforter and blanket, I was awakened to intense pain in my back and kidneys. It felt like somebody had used them as a punching bag and I didn't take them again. I contracted a cold as well and my lungs were becoming quite painful and eventually had my doctor prescribe antibiotics that cleared it up but left me about 8 pounds lighter and weak as a kitten. But this is only the commercial break...two items in particular transpired that I need to relate because they showed me that this spiritual journey I have been on is definitely for real. Bear with me, if you dare.

During the height of my illness, it became very obvious to me that there was a certain behavior that had been with me for quite some time and I was able to see how detrimental it was to my spiritual progress. I made a firm decision one evening that I no longer wished to continue it and then the wierdness began...I had a nightmare the same evening in which I willfully and purposefully killed a man riding in my vehicle. Let me explain...I found myself in a van with a woman in the passenger's seat and two males in back. The woman and one of the men had left the vehicle and I sat with the last male in the parking lot. For some reason, the remaining male, who was sitting directly behind me, infuriated me. I leaned over, grabbed him by the back of the head and slammed it it into the neck rest of my seat. Instead of bouncing back, his face stuck there and when I pushed him back, he sagged onto the seat but his face was not a face. It seemed to have calcified and began turning into dust. I somehow found a black rubber body bag and stuffed him inside. The next scene, I was telling his two companions that I had killed him because I no longer wanted him in my life. The woman stormed off into the darkness without a backwards glance. The remaining male cowered on a threadbare couch, in a darkened room with bars on the window. His eyes were normal except for a crimson ring, about an inch thick, that surrounded them and he was clearly terrified. When I went to examine the body bag, it had turned into a shirt of the same rubber material and was folded into a neat little square. And that only brushes the weirdness...there was more to come and it still astounds me.

Because of the intense chills, I was wearing a T-shirt under the blankets. I had gotten up to swallow a large glass of water and relieve myself, after this dream, and happened to glance down at the floor under my bed and spotted a brown stone that looked vaguely familiar. Some years ago, when I began this journey, I was blessed to have developed a friendship with Lady Wolfen Mists, who many of you know. To indicate the giving nature of this wonderful lady, I will tell you that she sent to me, via courier, several gems, some special potpourri, Dark Night Survivor powder and a goldstone dragon for protection because she "had been guided to." It has never left my neck except to shave and shower. With that said, I picked up the piece on the floor and slowly pulled my dragon from beneath my shirt to find it had snapped in half...while it had been around my neck!!!! My shock continued when I discovered I had not a single scratch on me and how the piece had ended up on the floor was a complete mystery. 

I am a man of peace and the thought of injuring another, whether it be human or animal, is absolutely abhorant to me. One lesson I've learned is that anybody who is on a spritual path, and actively seeks guidance and assistance from the Universe, will find it equally nauseous to even consider harming or injuring another, as you most likely know from your own journey. In viewing the dream afterwards, with some of the other related factors, I was able to realize that the "murder" was totally symbolic of the decision I had made in stopping a certain behavor. During the same period of illness (about 2 1/2 weeks), I found myself "in between" worlds where I would be deep in conversation with somebody, only to flip over, still asleep, and begin a new conversation with somebody else and I was very aware that I was doing it. And I found myself buiilding things, or helping others to build things and could not return until the task was complete. I now recognize that a change was occurring inside me and new awarenesses were surfacing, aided by another "random" occurrence. 

A former tenant had left a book behind by Gary Zukav called "The Seat of the Soul" and I had placed it on my bookshelf intending to get around to it...whenever. (It is not light reading but I highly suggest it). Well, "whenever" finally arrived during the height of the bug and the timing was extraordinary (my guides have quite a knack for doing that to me). It opened my mind to some incredible ideas and insights about our thoughts, words and deeds and the awareness that these are all based on either fear or love. And the distinction was so clear, for the first ime in my life. If a particular thought or action causes discomfort and stimulates the lower vibration emotions like anger, worry or anxiety, you can be certain that they are based on fear of some kind. Similarly, if we are left with a feeling of joy and contentment, they are based on love and compassion and "in tune" with soul. Words are all fine and dandy but the reality hit home one evening when I went to visit my friend's mother in the hospital, recovering from major surgery.

Being low on cash, the idea to write her a special poem instead of flowers was planted by my guides and I did just that. For the last few years, whenever I write, I always ask for guidance and assistance from my guides, guardians and the Creator and offer myself as a willing conduit if they have a message that needs to be relayed. It's not that I doubt my abilities in the least because I know I have a wonderful gift..I find the product that emerges, with their help, entails creativity, beauty and imagination that I can only touch on by myself. The poem, which I've included in the post below, took roughly an hour and I will admit to shedding tears just writing it. I pasted it to both sides of a folding duotang and added some colourful stickers and was very pleased with the result. You would think that after all the effort and love I put into it, I would have the chance to see her read it and enjoy...nothing could have been further from the truth.

I had been out all day and felt exhausted but had made plans with my friend to meet her at the hospital and anything that could go wrong...did. I missed buses by seconds and minutes and spent over an hour in -10c weather and my anger began to build. My concern was that I would arrive too late to find visitng hours were over and she was too tired for visitors and that is exactly what happened, with a nasty twist. Her other daughter had been told to visit the following the day but decided to show up anyway with husband and squabbling kids in tow. Poor Janice (my friend's mom) was reeling between sleep and wakefulness when I arrived to an already-full room so I was only able to stay for barely a minute before I had to leave and return home. To add to my anger, my friend's sister had flippantly told me that I should have been able to walk there (clear across the city and easily a two hour walk) with no problem and that it really wasn't a big deal to do so. Think about it...two hours each way is a half day's work. So, instead of the warm time I had anticipated spending with a wonderful lady and my friend, I left feeling with - what I thought - was justifiable anger. Here's where my new-found learning surfaced...in spades.

My friend called later that night to apologize and I had expressed my anger to her about her sister's rude behavior. In talking further, she revealed that her sister had been a very attractive woman in her early years but her looks had faded as she reached her mid-thirties. She had grown used to using her looks to control people around her, to basically get what she wanted and with them gone, had turned into a cynical and judgemental person who had developed a superiority attitude as a coping mechanism. As soon as I heard that, I understood immediately, and only because of the book. Her actions and reactions had been based on fear, namely fear of losing control of those around her and my anger melted away because I understood. When we strive for the illusion of external power by belittling others, we cease to listen to soul. When that becomes the only source of security, reacting with anger, jealousy or resentment, we continue to add to our karma and it is a long and painful journey, if we decide to change. As we know, the Universe gives back to us exactly what we give to It. If we choose to continue to disregard the stirrings of soul within to begin to heal, the separation will make itself known in very painful ways...that is a certainty.  

For my part, I recognized the rationale for my anger was similar, but for different reasons. My ego was looking forward to a big boost when Janice read the the poem and commented favourably on it and when my guides ensured that didn't happen, I allowed anger to surface and take temporary control.  In my mind, I SHOULD have been given the satisfaction of obtaining praise for what I considered was a very good poem and recognition of my efforts...and if I had put so much love and effort into it, including going out when I was feeling totally exhausted, why didn't the buses and Universe cooperate to meet MY schedule? I assumed control where I had none and that realization triggered off intense anger until I was able to apply what I had learned and understand the source. The bottom line is that the resentment and anger I felt, although temporary, invoked emotions that left me feeling horrible...pulse and BP way up, sick feeling in the stomach etc. It proved relatively easy, surprisingly, to let those feelings go with willful intent (which is the key) and imaginine them leaving wth a forced exhalation of breath. To add to my recovery, I now include her sister in my evening prayers and I can honestly say the event is barely a memory and I do not bear this woman any ill will in the least... but the lessons I was forced to learn has opened my mind to new possibilities and thought processes. And it has given me a new appreciation for my guides and the path they are directing down. It is all about timing...not mine but rather that of the God and Goddess.

"Young man," said the lady to the beggar, "I am going to give you a quarter not because you deserve it but because it pleases me to do so." "Thanks," replied the beggar," but why not make it a dollar and really enjoy yourself?"

The son stood by quietly at the bedside of his dying and wealthy father. "Please, my boy," whispered the old man, "always remember that wealth does not bring happiness." "Yes, father," said the son,"I realize that. But at least it will alow me to choose the kind of misery I find most agreeable."

If you're uncertain about the definition of "mixed emotions" then think about your mother-in- law going off a bridge driving your new Chrysler. Anonymous

"I can't find the source of your complaint," said the doctor as he ended his examination."Probably it's due to the drinking." "That's all right, Doctor," replied the patient understandingly," I know how it is. Suppose I come back when you sober up?"

An elderly man, hard of hearing, went to the doctor who asked, "Do you smoke?" "Yes," was the reply. "Much?" "Sure, all the time."  "Do you drink?" "Yes, just about anything at all. Anytime, too" "What about late hours? And girls? Do you chase them?" asked the concerned doctor. "Sure thing.I live it up whenever I get the chance." The doctor soberly said, "Well, you'll have to cut all that out." The elderly man replied, "Just to hear better? No thanks."

Thanks for coming by and I hope you have a great weekend. I'm in the early stages of finally putting aside the cigarettes for good, after smoking for about 25 years and it is turning into quite a ride, as you can imagine. I'm finding the programming of my mind relatively easy compared to the actual quitting but I know it is a very postive sign that I am healing. I regard it as journey towards healing and am fortunate to have been given some excellent advice from people around me, including my shrink, who is an ex-smoker. If you can remeber me in your prayers, I would be extremely grateful.

See you in the ether !

Wow, Nick, this is quite an experience, eh? It sounds to me like you had forgotten about humility, and that the Universe presented you with opportunities to consider your motivations so that you could learn the lesson of humility. As human beings, we often forget the lessons we've learned, and there are times when we need reminding; the universe is so compassionate to help us with that.

I've read Gary Zukov's book - in fact, my aunt bought me Seat of the Soul as a gift - and he does, indeed, provide a great many insights into the workings of Soul. I don't agree with everything he has to say, but on a fundamental level, some of his perceptions do resonate with me.

I'm so glad to hear you're making the changes you feel are necessary for you to make, my friend. What you're doing takes courage, strength, and determination, and I know that you will achieve victory.

Take good care of you, dear friend. You're never far from my thoughts.

Thanks, Holly. And I feel the same way about his book...some of it resonated inside me but other ideas he presented I found difficult to accept. And that is the beauty of it...I was shown what I needed to see and understand and I have no obligation to accept everything he writes as absolute fact.

It was great hearing from you Nick. I get sad that we don't talk as often as we used to, but I totally understand. Its great to have a friend like you- You've been a dear friend to me throughout my entire time on BraveJournal here Good luck with quitting smoking! That's great that you are. I've been a smoker for a little over 10 yrs myself and have quit a few times, heh. I'll be quitting for good hopefully soon as well- at least I'll try. I always love reading your posts- and yes, please do check out my other blog whenever you get the chance! Lots of Love and Light to you my dear friend.

You've sure had a tough journey to travel during the holidays. I hope you are well and feeling back to your old self again.
I agree with you about your dream. I think it could very well be stemmed from your determination to rid yourself of certain habits or negative aspects in your life. Yep, killing them off, sounds right as interpreted visually in a dream. Our mind is quite curious in visualizing our waking decisions or changes in our dreams. It can be unsettling, tho. Especially in reference to your dream.

You made some good points for me to ponder on in reference to my dream. It was such a curious dream. You may be on the right track as to it's meaning. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me. I really do appreciate it.
Your Glass figurine sounds lovely. I love stuff like that, they have such an enchanting air about them, soothing and relaxing.

It's always a pleasure to hear from you. I hope you'll have more time to visit with us here on the web. I enjoy your entries very much.

Take care and have a fabulous rest of the week end!

You are growing and becoming aware.. it is like each aspect of self is going through an entire cycle that once was forgotten.. and to get through we all have to enter these understanding at a personal level as an indivdual, we are rediscovering self.. not by books (yet it helps) but by common awareness(sense) we are all drilled to experience enlightenment at our own paste.. and so healing becomes the value of the said thought that provokes us to climb the higher reaches of the universe-/conciousness... we are re learning* Keep up the awareness and listen to your heart always as you are doing dearheart

Hi Nick. Just dropping by to see what's new and find out if you're feeling any better. Have a good day and a restful weekend, my friend.

Nick check your e-mail I sent you my opinion on this, to much to say or I would have placed it here:)

Dreams can offer a lot guidance and insight; they seem to hold so much truth. It sounds like you've reached an important turning point in your life and it's good to hear that you are listening to the wisdom of the universe. I think that this wisdom has been trying to reach me quite a bit lately but things have been kind of difficult. On the other hand, as you know, we often learn our most valuable lessons during times of struggle. I hope you're starting to get your energy and health back. Blessings to you. :)

I hope you are well and staying warm during these cold wintery days!

Just surfing by to say Howdy and wish you a terrific Tuesday!

Good morning, Nick. I'm coming by to give you a little heads-up about our friend Lady Wolfen Mists. Today is her birthday! Do you think you could drop by and leave some birthday wishes for her? I bet she would just love that...

Greetings ds, Drop by to say hi I am going through my own cleansing and filtering some very old energy of past from my dna, so much blockage, there are so much level to deal with.. i call it deep cleansing. anyhow you have a great moment